Football
17y

Another Open Letter to the Queen

Dear Queen of England,

It's OK that you didn't respond to my first Open Letter. I realize you had a lot of stuff to do. It must be a royal pain being Queen sometimes, but you handle it so well.

I thought you looked distinguished in your green outfit and matching green and pink hat. Were you representing, or what?

I tried to get to Michael Jordan for some sound. He wore a hat, too. Now, in his case, I hadn't written him an Open Letter, so it's no wonder I couldn't find him when I looked around for him in the crowd. There were roughly 174,029 people at the track. I simply didn't see him.

You, your majesty, I saw. At one point we were no more than 10 feet apart. It would have been a good time. I was willing to go into Mr. Sexton's corner office and grab you a pop. Do you call it pop or cola or soda? I'm from the Seattle area and we call it pop. Do you remember those old pop machines at laundromats that had the little 6-ounce cup drop down the slot? Then the pop would just pour from a little tap. That was a good deal for 25 cents, in my book.

I would have asked you questions other than these. It would have depended on how much time we had in total. The Governor of the Commonwealth of Kentucky came by. His section was capped at three minutes by my producers so I went right at it and asked him if he's a member of the communist party. It was just a joke and he will laugh for many days, I'm sure.

When we were standing together, overlooking the paddock before the Derby, were you looking at the horses to make your final gaming decision, or were you just chilling?

Everybody was terribly excited that you came. It was a way bigger deal than when both Lachey brothers came. This time, it was just Nick. His more famous brother, Drew, who won "Dancing With the Stars," did not attend this year. I'm certain he hammered the race at an OTB or on his Palm Pilot. Some of your subjects made up "Dancing With the Stars" and then they brought it over here. Same deal for a lot of TV shows, when you come to think of it. You must have some clever subjects and you must be so proud of their television ideas. I was on "Dancing With The Stars" but I was kicked off on the first night.

Tell me the truth: Did you vote for me or Master P?

One more vote and I might have made it to the second round. Don't you feel terrible for my dancer Andrea Hale? She's tall, has good manners and deserved better.

I think it's time to admit something. I stole my dancing shoes after they threw me off. In fact, I wore them today. They are shiny and pretty good on my ankle, which is injured for life from tackle football. By football I mean football, not soccer (your sport).

Have you ever heard of Dr. James Andrews of Birmingham, Alabama? He looked at my ankle and said "Lordy, lordy."

I'm not here to try to bum you out. You looked like you had such a great day.

I really hope that's true as we are still loyal to you in a big way even though we didn't want to be your subjects full time back when George Washington was causing your predecessors all that trouble. Sorry for that. But at the end of the day, it's night. I hate it when people keep saying "at the end of the day," don't you?

So, even though we didn't talk, my friend Scott Van Pelt would give you big ups, as he puts it. That means we like you.

I hope you played Street Sense and tore it up at the windows.

I wonder what would have happened had you won a race that paid more than 300-1 odds and exceeded $600 in total payout. In those cases, in America, the player has to pay taxes. That's ridiculous. I mean, what if you spent $72 to win that $601? Excessive taxation, if you ask me.

Wait a minute. That's what separated us in the first place. Let's not talk about it all these years later.

We're friends and allies and you're the Queen. But you know that.

As I stood above the paddock with you I looked over and I thought to myself, "that's what royalty looks like."

You.

Have a safe flight home. I hope they give you first class. It would be a joke if you're sitting in 54G. I know some people at United.

Hope to see you at Royal Ascot. But if not, no matter what, I say brilliant, Your Majesty, just brilliant.

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