The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:
I'm joking, homeboy moving fast.
And I'm hoping, praying that I don't crash.
All I know is I'm not slowing.
Gotta just keep on rolling.
Gotta keep at it.
Gotta stay focused.
-- Wale, "Focused"
College football fans love the game almost as much as Wale loves to swear in his songs. And like Wale's rhymes, that love is rooted in real, raw passion. But the fervor and loyalty that makes them so quick to defend their school at all costs can also cause them to lose sight of exactly what it was they were so mad about in the first place.
Take my season-long "relationship" with Georgia Southern fans. Never once have the Eagles been ranked in the Bottom 10, but I have mentioned them a few times. That's been enough to fill my Twitter timeline with furious GSU believers and land one rogue bumper sticker on my truck.
Last week, Clemson occupied the coveted No. 5 spot. But that wasn't what left Tiger fans seeing orange. No, they were mad at me because I said people in Upstate South Carolina pronounce it "Clepson." In their defense, I was wrong. I should have spelled it "Clempson."
A few weeks earlier, South Carolina fans also weren't offended at being ranked fifth. They were furious because I dared to call out mustard-based barbecue. Virginia Tech fans didn't like my choice of Busch Gardens for the Beamer Screamer roller coaster. Idaho fans were appalled that I would dare believe that potatoes can be grown in the northern half of the state. It goes on and on...
But as October arrives, let's try to heed the words of Mr. Wale and stay focused. Keep your eye on the ball. Try to work on what really matters, which is getting out of the Bottom 10 instead of wasting time complaining about the paint colors that were used on the basement walls.
With apologies to Steve Harvey and Kid Cudi, here's this week's Bottom 10.
1. SMU (0-4)
They call the TCU-SMU rivalry "The Battle of the Iron Skillet." As my 9-year old daughter can tell you after 300 viewings of "Tangled," an iron skillet can be quite the weapon. As we learned Saturday, you can even use it to knock out a horse, or more accurately, a Mustang. The coach-less boys in blue and red once again went TD-less, so their lone six-pointer of the season remains a Week 2 Hail Mary at North Texas that closed out a 43-6 loss. SMU ranks last in all of the FBS in points scored (three per game) and points surrendered (56). This weekend brings a visit to East Carolina, which typically scores 35 points before the pregame meal is over. You know, come to think of it, my father-in-law could also tell you about the skillet thing. And he's never seen "Tangled."
2. UMass (0-5)
Give Blake Frohnapfel credit. Dude is not taking this Bottom 10 thing lying down. On Saturday, the UMass QB threw for 589 yards, more than doubling his previous career best. He also threw five TD passes -- so many that the brand new scoreboard at renovated Warren McGuirk Alumni Stadium collapsed and fell to the ground. No, that really happened. So did a fumble during the Minutemen's final possession, abruptly ending the 47-42 shootout with Bowling Green. Had they beaten BGSU, who beat Indiana, who beat Missouri, who beat South Carolina, who beat Georgia, who could still win the SEC, then, as promised, I would have removed them from the Bottom 10. Alas, it did not happen, so my CTRL+X stays put.
3. Kent State (0-4)
The State of Kent fell to the Commonwealth of Hoos, 45-13, during which the Golden Flashes posted 72 yards rushing. That actually raised their season average to 44 yards per game, which ranks 127th among all FBS teams (there are 128). If you took their entire offensive roster to a mad scientist, and he melted them down into one player, that player would be tied for 183rd among all FBS running backs.
4. Troy (0-5)
The Sun Belt invasion of the Bottom 10 is officially underway, as no less than three teams have landed in the MAC East's backyard. They've entered via this Trojan horse. That's impressive, as this horse is powered by a lawnmower engine, squeaks like an old dog's snore and is largely held together with chewing gum.
5. Meechigan (2-3)
True story from this past Sunday at my church in downtown Charlotte: We had a visitor to the congregation who looked almost identical to Brady Hoke. He even wore a maize-and-blue striped necktie. When asked if he was aware that he resembled the embattled Go Blue coach, he quickly responded, "Oh, I am Brady Hoke. I'm spending the day going around to as many churches as possible to pray for help." I figure he'd been sitting on that line for two years, just waiting on someone to ask him.
6. Vanderbilt (1-4)
Vandy has started five quarterbacks in five games. At this point, they should make a game of it. There's only seven games remaining, and you'd think there has to be seven players on the roster who've played quarterback before. If not, hold a raffle at the student center or make it an academic incentive. "Your starting quarterback, setting an NCAA record as the team's 12th of the season after a record-setting performance in the math department ... it's Dr. Olshansky!"
7. UConn (1-4)
The Huskies started their day by surrendering a 93-yard pick-six, their fourth opening-drive turnover in five games. I tried to contact the program for a comment, but the calls kept getting dropped.
8. My-Hammy of Ohio (0-5)
Like Red in "The Shawshank Redemption," the RedHawks found that life on the outside was a little too overwhelming, so after a week off, they found their way back into the Bottom 10. On Saturday, they'll host UMass in the Pillow Fight of the Week. The Minutemen might show up wearing pillows atop their heads. Hey, you never know when a scoreboard might come crashing down out of the sky.
9. Idaho (0-4)
The Vandals have tripped through a Bottom 10 dreamscape of a schedule, losing to UL-Monroe, Western Michigan, Ohio and South Alabama. In case you were wondering, the distance between the Kibbie Dome in Moscow, Idaho (where they DO NOT grow potatoes), and Ladd-Peebles Stadium in Mobile, Alabama (where they serve french-fried potatoes... Mmmm), is 2,444 miles. Because nothing says Sun Belt Conference quite like driving the equipment van on I-90 from Sioux Falls to Rapid City.
10. Appalachian State (1-3)
As stated earlier, I live in North Carolina. That means Appy State fans don't bother contacting me through Twitter or email. They just walk up to me at the Jiffy Lube and call me a traitor. But last weekend, the Mountaineers were stomped by their old Southern Conference rival Georgia Southern (I look forward to seeing what GS fans find wrong about that mention), and their previous weekend's nail-biter loss to Southern Miss already looks even worse than it already had. The Golden Eagles fell to Rice, 41-23. Rice!
Waiting List: Tulane (1-4), Ball State (1-3), Eastern Michigan (1-3), UNLV (1-4), Syracuse's unis, the Big 12's ageist bowl-game windbreaker policies.