Welcome to Draft Diary XVI! Can you believe we're four away from Draft Diary XX? Either this became a Roman numeral-fueled tradition on par with the Olympics, the Super Bowl and WrestleMania, or I'm freaking old. I can't decide. By the time you read this column, you'll have watched the clip of Andy Katz accidentally saying Jared Sullinger had "bulging dicks" during last night's NBA draft preview show over 10,564,294 times on YouTube. Even if that became the highlight of the night, did that stop me from grinding out another draft diary with help from peanut gallery members Jacoby and House? Of course not! Tradition is tradition — not even bulging dicks could hold me down.

There was another monkey wrench, of course: My beloved Celtics were picking no. 21 and no. 22 last night. Would they trade up to take Doc Rivers's son even though father-son pairings never work past Little League? Would they take The Guy Who's Afraid to Fly or The Guy Who Would Have Been a Top-10 Pick If Not For His Bulging Dicks? Er, Disks? Would they get two rotation guys who were better than Marquis Daniels and Ryan Hollins? (Please?) Would they figure out how to add to their team when they didn't know yet if half their team was coming back? And could I pull off a coherent diary as I was stressing out about all of these things? Here's what transpired …

7:30 p.m. EST — You might remember last year's draft telecast on ESPN revolved around Adele's "Rolling in the Deep." This year's telecast revolves around ladders. You heard me. Ladders. Personally, I would have geared the entire draft around the night's real star: the one and only David Stern, who only recently regained his mojo after the debilitating lockout and embarrassing Vetogate. Why not own it? What about an open featuring Stern lip-synching the words to Jay-Z's "On to the Next One" or Vince McMahon's "No Chance in Hell"?

(Wait, you're saying that would have been less ridiculous than lottery picks climbing ladders???)

7:32 — Hey, it's David Ste— Boooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! Come on, I'm trying to typ— Boooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! Enough, you made your poi— Boooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Not exactly a warm welcome for the Commish. Of course, he eats it up by mentioning the "world-champion Miami Heat," then cupping his hand to his ear, soaking in the boos and doing everything short of saying, "In case you're scoring at home, we have more marketable stars than every other league combined, we have a 10-billionaire waiting list to buy our teams, we're coming off a 12 rating for the Finals even though Oklahoma City was involved, and our signature guy finally put everything together and seems poised for a Jordan-like run the rest of this decade. (Goes into Dr. Evil mode.) Mwaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaa! Mwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaa! Mwhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhha!!!!!" It's fun to have the Notorious D.J.S. back. I can't lie.

7:37 — New Orleans takes "The Brow," immediately becoming a title contender from 2015 through 2028. The Brow hugs exactly five people before walking onstage and having this exchange with David Stern …

Stern: "Congratulations. Don't ever tell anyone how you really became a Hornet."

Davis: "I won't, sir."

Stern: "I'm not kidding — nobody can ever know. I'm not proud of everything I did. People make mistakes."

Davis: "Got it, you don't have to worry about me."

7:39 — Working the draft with ESPN's Chris Broussard, Rece Davis and Jeff Van Gundy, Jay Bilas drops a triple "wingspan" during a Davis-inspired gush session, then acknowledges the infamous Bilas/wingspan draft drinking game by saying, "Tip it back, America." Jacoby quickly takes three big swigs from a Bud Light. We're off to a rollicking start.

Speaking of rollicking, we spiced up tonight's draft by creating a "Jan Vesely's Girlfriend Memorial Hottest Girlfriend" pool — four rounds, snake fashion, winner takes all. Jacoby went first and took Bradley Beal, explaining, "He's a good-looking guy who seems clean, and he's going to be rich." Oh. Beal was followed by Austin Rivers (BS), Dion Waiters (JH), Damian Lillard (JH), Tyler Zeller (BS), Thomas Robinson (DJ), Michael Kidd-Gilchrist (DJ), Harrison Barnes (BS), Perry Jones (JH), Evan Fournier (JH), Anthony Davis (BS) and Kendall Marshall (DJ). Also, we actually argued about whether Davis went too high or too low, culminating in House screaming, "I don't care if he has a unibrow, he's gonna be rich!" You gotta love the NBA draft.

7:40 — Speaking of Davis, Heather Cox just asked his parents about his "journey" and all the usual "Can you believe this?" stuff … let's be honest, wouldn't you have rather had a two-minute grilling about the unibrow? Did he always have the brow? Did he have it as a baby? Which side of the family did it come from? Did they ever think of waxing it? At what point did they just accept it? Is there anything else you want to know from Davis's parents except for unibrow-related material? Why are we fighting this?

7:43 — The Bobcats take … Michael Kidd-Gilchrist? WOW! They did the right thing?!?!?!? We're stunned! I can't stop using exclamation points! Probably not a good sign for the MJ era when it's shocking that the team picking second took the second-best player. Great pick. I couldn't be a bigger MKG fan, as explained here. As Bilas gushes, "You can't teach relentless." He's going to be a killer pro. Think Scottie Pippen crossed with Gerald Wallace, only if they had a hyphen and played every game like it was Game 7 of the Finals.

7:47 — Washington quickly snaps up Florida scorer Bradley Beal at no. 3. Bilas calls him a "high-character guy" and a "complete basketball player," and the chairman of the Committee for Cross-Racial Comparisons rules that, yes, you're allowed to compare Beal's jumper to Mike Miller's jumper. What a relief.

"Right player, right spot," says House, a longtime Washington fan. "It was a very un-Wizard-like pick. We needed a guy who could shoot at the basket and not at his teammates." Hey now.

7:53 — In Wednesday's back-and-forth mock draft, Chad Ford predicted that Cleveland would draft Harrison Barnes fourth partly because he was "good friends" with Kyrie Irving. I thought this was ridiculous; apparently, so did the Cavs. They just tabbed explosive Syracuse guard Dion Waiters, setting themselves up for an easy "Anytime you can take the Big East's 'Sixth Man of the Year' with the fourth pick in an NBA draft, you have to do it" joke. Didn't we already go through this with Marvin Williams? Now we're running it back?

(Note that's too important for a footnote: I thought the Cavs should have taken Thomas Robinson, but they obviously passed after spending last year's no. 4 overall pick on Tristan Thompson — same position as...