Top Ten Ways Marlins Owner Jeffrey Loria Intends to Pay for Giancarlo Stanton's New $325 Million Contract:
10. Reduce medical expenses by making sure that Jose Fernandez's Tommy John surgery was entirely covered by the Affordable Care Act.
9. Threaten to move the team to Montreal so that the South Florida government will be fooled into paying the entire cost of a brand new $1.8 billion stadium that will actually lure in more than 18,000 fans per game. Then sell the current ballpark by locating a rich, naïve collector who can be convinced the Home Run Sculpture is art.
8. Take advantage of the Miami area foodie and locavore movements by selling high-priced fillets of Billy the Marlin in the concession stands.
7. Arrange gigs for Marlins president David Samson on "The Amazing Race," "The Voice," "Dancing with the Stars," "Top Chef" and "American Idol." And cross fingers that Samson will last longer on those shows than he did during his one-episode "Survivor" humiliation so that he actually earns some prize money this time.
6. Boost revenue from the local TV package by securing the rights to show Atlanta Braves games instead of Marlins games.
5. Cut costs by laying off half the Marlins' employees and reducing wages for the remaining half (aside from Loria and Samson, of course).
4. Hire "Nightcrawler"-style paparazzi to shoot compromising photos of league executives and opposing owners so the Marlins can receive an even greater percentage of revenue-sharing.
3. Increase attendance with regular giveaways of leftover Biogenesis "products."
2. Convince Miami native Jose Canseco to auction more of his fingers on eBay by agreeing to retire his number (even though Canseco never played for the Marlins).
1. Trade Stanton to the Blue Jays for low-salary prospects.